all said.

You're gone from here
Soon you will disappear
Fading into beautiful light
'cause everybody's changing
And I don't feel right.
So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same.
-keane


it's been so much and at the same time nothing going on since I got back home. I think I even lost count of how many weeks I've been here now.

a close friend has been to the hospital. he is better,thank god. and there is this three people that used to be the closest to me when I was between 14-17. and then so much stuff happened so we kind of drifted apart. their father died yesterday. it feels weird when people close to you die, it makes it all more real. I think about death everyday,everytime I step outside my door. because in my mind it's something negative, it ends an episode in people's life and it makes me see clearer but even though I know I don't have to be scared, I'am. not of dying but the fact that you leave people behind with holes that will last and remind them of you. I'm scared I'll lose someone and the day it happens, I accidently did something mean or said something that I won't be able to take back. and being oversensitive is not something I like about myself. People say, "oh you have such a good heart". whatever I don't care, I just don't want to be so damn oversensitive about everything. I can't even watch a movie without tears. that's just so lame. imagine then what condition I'll be in when people die. and it feels like I should've been there for them more but so much came in between and I don't know why I had to be the one that should try to mend it all especially when I had so many other people I did care about.

I want to be in i-house with you guys, it's not that I don't like it here but it's just different and with the fall almost knocking on the door, I can just imagine how it'll be like in few more weeks.
The best thing about being here is the family even though my brothers irritate me and makes me want to crawl out of my skin from time to time. haha, yeah you know how brothers or siblings in general can be like.

I don't listen to erykah badu a lot but I got my sister to loooove her and india arie too. she needs other idols than those MTVh--s shaking their asses for money. she loves the song "video" which is so funny because she is so far from india's "I'm not the average from your video" anyone can get. But I know she would like to be that kind of person who doesn't care about what others say about her looks or her because she's happy with herself. she's thirteen, she'll get there someday. but for now, whatever she says I know others opinion is important and I understand. good thing everything they say about her is positive except the fact that it really gets to her head. hahaha, girls, what do you do?

anyway, I don't know when I'll see you guys again but know that I miss you guys. I even miss sitting on the sofa watching movies and you guys walking in and out of our apartment and that is something that really really bugged me at the time especially when I had a bad day.

-n.a



-Synchronicity Out-